My apartment complex is re-doing the plumbing in my entire apartment building. They are also putting in hardwood floors, granite counter tops, and overall just doing major renovation. About a week and a half ago I received a notice that they were getting to my part of my floor and needed me to move to a different building in the complex. I was less than thrilled but knew it was going to happen eventually so it wasn’t a huge shock.

They said they would reimburse me for moving expenses so I decided I would move over all my clothes, dishes, etc. myself and then pay someone to move the heavy and awkward items. I didn’t like the idea of packing all my belongings, moving it to the building across the courtyard, then unpacking the boxes. It seemed a like a lot of extra work so I decided since I had some extra storage tubs, I would fill a tub, walk it the across the courtyard, unpack the container, putting everything away in the same location I had it in my previous apartment, then go back, refill the container, and so forth. Some stuff, like Christmas ornaments, were already in tubs.

Every time I’ve moved, I try to get rid of more stuff. In this process of moving my belongings over one tub at a time, I’ve become very keenly aware of my possessions and I have to say, I think I’m finally to the point where I don’t want to get rid of anything else. Now granted, I have some stuff I could live without but I chose not to. It’s worth an extra trip back and forth. These items are mainly memory related. There are just some things I can’t let go.

I want to live simply. Could I be living simply better? Perhaps. But right now, in the midst of moving, I’m content with where I’m at and I think that says something.

I thought I would make this an informative blog in some form or another but I highly doubt that the information in this blog is of much use to anyone. Plus, I can’t seem to be very consistent in providing such information. Yes, I regularly research topics of personal interest but hardly ever to the degree one should research a topic in order to blog about it and, to be honest, I don’t really feel like doing that much research.

Clearly this is not a blog of my daily life. I used to have such a blog, keeping people updated on what was going on but my perpetual student husband didn’t want me posting pictures of him and personal information all over the web. I can respect that.

I never have been an eloquent enough writer to simply have a blog of thought-provoking compositions. So no, this is not that type of blog either.

This blog doesn’t really have direction and honestly, this is more for me than it is for you. I know this will never be a blog with high traffic and I’m okay with that. I suppose this blog is to help me think things “out loud,” try a new method of accountability in exercise and diet, and simply admit when I’m lonely.

I’m going to take a break from blogging for a bit. I have some projects and events going on in my life I need to focus on and I just don’t have the motivation to make blogging a priority right now. I hope you, my two or so readers, don’t mind.

For years I haven’t owned a TV. Well, at one point a friend gave us his old TV but we didn’t have cable. We only used it to watch movies. And we only had it for a year. Anyhow, we told ourselves it was good to not own a TV. So much time is wasted watching TV. Then Hulu came into existence. . . and Netflix watch instantly. I might as well own a TV.

The past few weeks I let my apartment become a mess. I blamed it on the clogged kitchen sink. I thought it was my fault it wasn’t draining right. Turns out it’s because they gutted the apartment next to mine and didn’t put a cap on the pipe that used to lead to the neighboring kitchen sink. So when water goes down the drain, half of it goes down the common vertical pipe and half of it goes into the gutted kitchen next door. I didn’t want to call maintenance until I picked up my apartment. I’ve been telling myself that for about a month.

The truth: my apartment is a mess because I come home from work, eat supper, and then either go to bed or watch TV on my laptop; my apartment is a mess because I washed all my laundry and folded it but never put it away; I covered my piles of clean clothes with coats so the cat doesn’t sit on them and shed; I started to fake clean my apartment so I could call maintenance and now I have a fridge full of dirty dishes again; my apartment is a mess because I don’t want to admit how lonely I am when I sit in a perfectly clean apartment by myself; the mess makes my apartment feel less empty.

I haven’t gotten ready for bed in three weeks. I usually fall asleep in the chair, wake up at some random hour, then climb into bed. It makes me sad to go to bed alone. The cat helps but she’s no substitute for him.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a little depressed. I think I’m only depressed at home. Actually, I don’t think depressed is the right word. I’m sad when I’m home by myself.

I’ve become a lot better about initiating activities with friends so I don’t have to spend as much time in my apartment. If I know my perpetual student won’t be able to visit, I fill up my schedule. I am so thankful to have wonderful friends I can be vulnerable around.

I want to take better care of myself. I want to lose weight, get ready for bed, keep my apartment clean, floss my teeth. . . once I stop procrastinating I’ll be a perfectionist about all these activities. Then I will realize I turned these activities into idols and feel broken all over again. Maybe this time I can try to be more balanced about it. Maybe.

P.S. I am calling another re-do. This time because I procrastinated.

Weight: 177

Waist: 34″

Hips: 38.5″

Food Goal: always have a healthy snack option on hand

Exercise Goal: daily ab phone app three days this week

Weight: 175 lbs

Waist: 35″

Hips (measured at ASIS): 39″

Food Goal: drink 8 oz of water before every meal

Exercise Goal: attend Bikram Yoga class 2 times this week

For the record, my New Year’s Resolution is to go through all my anatomy notes and edit them in hopes that doing so will not only help me review for boards, but make it easier for me to study when I have to take anatomy again when I do the prosthetic program. What I am getting at is managing money, diet, and exercise are more life goals and less of a year goal.

Money: As you may or may not remember, my goal was to have my only expenses on the credit card be gas for the car. I knew this was going to be impossible, especially since I still had Christmas presents to buy, but I thought even if I tried I would end up significantly reducing my spending. In general I would call my experiment a success. For one of my goals, I was going to try to not buy groceries for a month. It was definitely interesting. I wasn’t as stocked up on food as I thought I was so I did go grocery shopping once about 2/3 of the way through the month. Even though I didn’t meet my goal, I learned a lot and saved a lot of money. The main principle I learned and hope to continue to apply is what key ingredients I like to keep on hand. For example, I realized how valuable onions are to have on hand. Other than Christmas presents, I allowed myself a few exceptions: 1. my favorite knitting store was closing so I bought some needles and a book I wanted that were now on sale  2. I went out to eat 3 times. The first was in celebration of a friend graduating from nursing school, the second was when I was diligently studying at a coffee shop with my perpetual student husband, and the third was January 3rd at work after I returned from my holiday travels and hadn’t thought ahead the night before.  3. Since I saved so much money, I added personal money to Christmas money to finally buy a smart phone.

So overall I was happy with my progress. I hope to continue to plan meals ahead and keep certain food items on hand, continue to reduce my eating out to a couple times a month/special occasions, and continue not talking myself into buying items I don’t need.

Food: Candy has been my downfall at work and home, especially when holiday-packaged candy goes on sale the day after the most recent holiday. I thought if I bought a bag of mini Snickers bars, I would be good and only eat a couple every now and then. I was wrong. Here are my goals for the next few months:

1. If I buy a special treat, keep it in the car as opposed to at work or in my apartment. That way I can’t eat it all the time.
2. Make changes one at a time. Each week I am going to set a new food goal for myself so over time I am eating better and better.

Exercise: My exercise routine has been completely thrown off by all of my holiday travels and it’s time to get back into it. Just as with food, I am going to set a weekly goal and slowly ramp up my exercise routine.

Money, diet, and exercise . . . man those are tough areas of life to manage.

So I have a new plan. This week it’s go to go yoga Tuesday night (which I did) and on either Saturday or Sunday, depending on how being on call goes. Next week, I am going to go to yoga on Tuesday again and one of the weekend days and do my Tae Bo video at least two times, but I’m shooting for three. The couch to 5K plan will have to wait until spring when it’s warmer out and I am willing to run outside. Not only am I not a huge fan of running, but I really dislike running in the cold and definitely don’t want to run in the dark, which is unavoidable since the only way I would even be slightly motivated to run in the cold would be when I’m done with work and it’s already dark by that time.

But that’s enough on that subject.

The sermon this last Sunday was on contentment, which is an appropriate topic for this holiday season. It was also appropriate because I had personal finances on my mind at the time. I can’t seem to get ahead financially. I took on some credit card debt (not very much, but credit card debt still the same) since I wasn’t working for 5 months. Part of that time I was out of state for grad school. Part of that time I was moving and getting settled, and part of that time I was taking care of my 250 clinical hours required by my grad school (that are unpaid hours). I started getting paid when my residency official began at the end of September.

Each month I think to myself, “This is the month I will finally get caught up or at least make some decent headway.” And each month something unexpected and expensive happens. For example, I’ve had to take the car to the shop four times since August. (In fairness, the second time I took the car to the shop was because they hadn’t actually fixed the problem they should have fixed when I took it in the first time.)

The main reason I should be bothered by the credit card debt is the interest I’ve had to pay. The real reason I am bothered is because I desperately want a smart phone (it would make my daily work life SO much easier) but can’t justify getting one until the credit card debt is paid off.

And so on Sunday as I listened to the sermon on contentment I had two thoughts:

1. I need to stop getting frustrated and thinking to myself about how I wish I had a smart phone whenever I need to perform a task that would be easier if I had one or am in a situation that could have been avoided if I had one. Instead, I should be grateful that I have a cell phone that works even though I’ve had it for two years and have dropped it too many times to count.
2. I need to start making financial sacrifices.

To be honest, I’ve been spoiled. My perpetual student works part time at a local, organic grocery store and gets a lot of food for free. And if we needed something other than what he got for free, he bought it since he was there. In other words, until we were living apart, I couldn’t remember the last time I went grocery shopping. I’ve quickly learned that I have expensive taste and have begun to learn what’s a good price for an item and how to estimate the total of my grocery basket before entering the checkout. I realize these are skills a normal person probably would have learned years ago but hey, at least I am learning it now.

Over the past few months I’ve also justified unnecessary purchases. They weren’t frivolous purchases but were items that I could have waited until I had taken care of the credit card debt.

So here is my goal: for my next credit card billing month, I am going to do my best to have the only purchases I make be gas for the car. Being realistic, I know this is impossible so I am going to take it one week at a time. At the start of the week, I am going to estimate my needs and try to stick to those purchases only, thereby cutting out impulse buys. For example, I am about to run out of cat food and know I will need to purchase more this next week. The main way I will be cutting back on expenses this month is food. I am going to see if I can go a month without grocery shopping. It’s going to take planning and creativity, but I think there is a good chance I can do it.

So there you have it. That’s what’s been on my mind lately. As a reward for those who actually read this entire post, I will share something funny about myself:  If I don’t feel like doing the dishes before bed, I put my dirty dishes in the refrigerator for the night to avoid having bug problems. And yes, right now there are dirty dishes in my fridge.

Tonight I went to yoga. I didn’t feel like going but I went anyhow. I was regretting eating lunch at 2:30 pm and then going to a 5 pm class. I thought that would be enough time but today it wasn’t. I was regretting eating an egg skillet with bread chunks, cheddar cheese, and spicy mustard. Even though I brushed my teeth before going to class, I could still kind of taste it and it felt heavy in my stomach. Most of all, I was regretting being so hard on myself.

I’ve been working out regularly since sometime in July and have been attending this Bikram Yoga class since the beginning of October. I had lost 5 lbs and then gained it back last weekend when I stuffed my face with so many sugar-y products, including two boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I think the fact I had taken a week off when I had a cold contributed to my weight gain as well.

I’m just so frustrated. I feel like I’ve been working so hard and should be losing weight but I’m not. I definitely getting healthier. I’m definitely gaining flexibility. I’m definitely gaining lung capacity. I’m just not losing weight.

I’ve been particularly frustrated about it this last weekend. It’s mainly because I’m nervous about seeing all the family this coming week for Thanksgiving. The last time I saw many of them was before I gained all this weight. I’m scared of being judged.

When I get down on myself, I don’t do anything. I need to pick up my apartment. I need to do laundry. I have tasks to take care of regarding my residency. Did any of that get done so far this weekend? No. And then I think about how lazy I’ve been and feel even more down. It’s a nasty downward spiral.

Such was my mental state at yoga. I tried to push myself to do the poses, but gave up when I got to the point of completely blacking out for several seconds. I spent the rest of the class on the floor, pushing myself to stay in the room; trying to convince myself if I could just stay in the room, I would have at least accomplished something. That staying in the room was something to proud of.

Man that room was hot.

But I stayed in the room.

I know there are other people struggling with these issues too. I guess that’s why I felt the need to vent on a blog. I know I’m not alone in these struggles. You are not alone either.

Now I’m going to shower, work on picking up my apartment, and do at least one load of laundry. Then I’m going to go to bed and wake up tomorrow, giving myself a fresh start. Because every day is a new day. Every day I get another chance to be my best. And so do you.

Week 6 I went to class Monday night and about an hour after class I had a sore throat. The next morning I woke up with a full-on cold. I was definitely too congested and miserable to go to class the rest of the week. That week I also happened to receive lab results from a physical I had a week or two earlier.

Going back in time for a moment, at that physical appointment, they tested my breathing/lung capacity since I have asthma and hadn’t been tested in years. When the doctor came into the room to tell me the results he asked, “Did you ‘cheat’ and use your inhaler today?” I hadn’t. I don’t remember his exact words, but he told me with surprise in his voice that my breathing was quite good. I knew my breathing had improved in quality and regulation thanks to yoga.

So, about the rest of my lab results. . .  My blood sugar levels were normal, which I was happy about since type 2 diabetes runs in my family. My cholesterol panel, “looked very good with a total cholesterol of 109, HDL or good cholesterol was inadequate at 37, LDL or bad cholesterol okay at 53.” In addition, I was deficient in vitamin D.

The deficiency in vitamin D is an easy fix with a supplement. I’ve been taking it for a couple weeks now and think I can tell a difference in how I feel. And, surprise surprise, I read on the internet a week or two ago that vitamin D may help cold prevention, especially in those with asthma or other chronic lung conditions. Too bad I didn’t learn about my vitamin D deficiency earlier!

Now, concerning my inadequate good cholesterol levels. . . The doctor told me that if I hadn’t been working out, my good cholesterol would have been even lower. Yikes! I did some quick internet research and according to The American Heart Association website, less than 40 for men and less than 50 for women puts you at risk for heart disease. From reading The American Heart Association website as well as other websites, I learned that exercise is key to increasing good cholesterol levels. (Diet is important too, but I don’t eat fried foods that often and haven’t eaten fast food in years so exercise is going to be the main way I’ll be able to increase my good cholesterol levels.) So even though my good cholesterol levels were inadequate, my doctor didn’t seem too concerned and told me to just continue exercising.

Going back to discussing Bikram Yoga. . . Week 7 I went to yoga Monday night. I talked to the instructor and learned that one should use caution when attempting to go to class with a cold. Was I past the contagious stage? Check. Could I breath deeply? Check. (At this point, I could breath through my nose but was congested higher in my sinuses and my throat was working over time with all the swallowing.) Was I congested in my chest? Well, yes, I was a little but thought it was due to all the drainage. She asked me a few other questions and in the end, told me I should be okay trying to attend class but should take it easy.

After class I felt so good! Not only had the humidity of the room helped loosen my congestion, but it felt so good to move! I know that Bikram Yoga was the only form of exercise I would have been able to attempt in my state and exercising rejuvenated me. I went again Wednesday night and felt even better. I am convinced that Bikram Yoga helped me get over my cold quicker.

This last week was week 8 and it was great! I have pretty much gotten over my cold, I was able to keep my mental state in check, and am getting even better at listening to my body. In addition, I was able to achieve the full expression of some poses I had been struggling with! This last Wednesday was my best class yet. I was on such a high when I left class. I’ve also noticed that I feel energized, not exhausted and don’t feel the need to stuff my face after class. Basically, my body is getting used to my exercise routine and that makes me very happy.

Since my body has gotten used to attending Bikram Yoga 2-3 times a week, I began considering adding a different form of exercise 2-3 times a week so I am working out more often. In addition, I’ve noticed that Mondays and Wednesdays tend to be my long days at work so those may not be the best days to try to get to a yoga class on time. All that to say, I’m going to be restructuring my exercise routine again.

I’ve never been good at or have enjoyed running but I think it’s mainly because I didn’t know how to regulate my breathing. A big component of running is also psychological and, as I learned in Bikram Yoga, I wasn’t quite as mentally balanced as I thought I was. Now that I’ve gotten better at breathing and practicing stillness, I want to try running again. A friend recommended the Couch to 5K plan which involves, over a 9 week time frame, walking and jogging to slowly work up to running a 5K. I found this website that has numerous resources to help one implement the Couch to 5K plan and learn more about running, including links to podcasts of music with indicators of when to jog and when to walk and links to phone apps. Under, “Running Info,” there is posted a link to the, “Nova Marathon Challenge TV Show,” and I found that video informative and very inspirational. I won’t lie. I got teary-eyed at the end.

Next week is probably the worst week to be my first week trying a new schedule, but here is my plan for the next two weeks:

• Sunday: Yoga
• Monday: Couch to 5K Week 1, Day 1
• Tuesday: Yoga
• Wednesday: Couch to 5K Week 1, Day 2
• Thursday: Break (Thanksgiving!)
• Friday: Couch to 5K Week 1, Day 3
• Saturday: Break

• Sunday: Couch to 5K Week 2, Day 1
• Monday: Break
• Tuesday: Yoga
• Wednesday: Couch to 5K Week 2, Day 2
• Thursday: Break
• Friday: Couch to 5K Week 2, Day 3
• Saturday: Yoga/other form of exercise if out of town

I’m hoping once I get through the next two weeks, my routine can be:

• Sunday: Yoga
• Monday: Couch to 5K, Day 1
• Tuesday: Yoga
• Wednesday: Couch to 5K, Day 2
• Thursday: Break
• Friday: Couch to 5K, Day 3
• Saturday: Yoga/other form of exercise if out of town

I’ll see how it goes. I might be too ambitious, trying to implement the Couch to 5K plan and attend Yoga 3 times a week but we’ll see.