Procrastinating Perfectionist

Yeah, that’s what I am. It’s stupid because it doesn’t have to be that way.

For years I haven’t owned a TV. Well, at one point a friend gave us his old TV but we didn’t have cable. We only used it to watch movies. And we only had it for a year. Anyhow, we told ourselves it was good to not own a TV. So much time is wasted watching TV. Then Hulu came into existence. . . and Netflix watch instantly. I might as well own a TV.

The past few weeks I let my apartment become a mess. I blamed it on the clogged kitchen sink. I thought it was my fault it wasn’t draining right. Turns out it’s because they gutted the apartment next to mine and didn’t put a cap on the pipe that used to lead to the neighboring kitchen sink. So when water goes down the drain, half of it goes down the common vertical pipe and half of it goes into the gutted kitchen next door. I didn’t want to call maintenance until I picked up my apartment. I’ve been telling myself that for about a month.

The truth: my apartment is a mess because I come home from work, eat supper, and then either go to bed or watch TV on my laptop; my apartment is a mess because I washed all my laundry and folded it but never put it away; I covered my piles of clean clothes with coats so the cat doesn’t sit on them and shed; I started to fake clean my apartment so I could call maintenance and now I have a fridge full of dirty dishes again; my apartment is a mess because I don’t want to admit how lonely I am when I sit in a perfectly clean apartment by myself; the mess makes my apartment feel less empty.

I haven’t gotten ready for bed in three weeks. I usually fall asleep in the chair, wake up at some random hour, then climb into bed. It makes me sad to go to bed alone. The cat helps but she’s no substitute for him.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a little depressed. I think I’m only depressed at home. Actually, I don’t think depressed is the right word. I’m sad when I’m home by myself.

I’ve become a lot better about initiating activities with friends so I don’t have to spend as much time in my apartment. If I know my perpetual student won’t be able to visit, I fill up my schedule. I am so thankful to have wonderful friends I can be vulnerable around.

I want to take better care of myself. I want to lose weight, get ready for bed, keep my apartment clean, floss my teeth. . . once I stop procrastinating I’ll be a perfectionist about all these activities. Then I will realize I turned these activities into idols and feel broken all over again. Maybe this time I can try to be more balanced about it. Maybe.

P.S. I am calling another re-do. This time because I procrastinated.

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~ by anonymouscogitations on February 5, 2011.