What I Am Working On: Bikram Yoga

As I mentioned last week, I’ve been taking a Bikram Yoga class. We do 26 poses in a room that is 105 degrees for 90 minutes.

The first week I went once, the second week I went twice, the third week I went three times, and I’ve been going three times a week since. I attend Monday night, Wednesday night, and Saturday morning.

When you attend your first class, they tell you to practice in the back row so you can watch and learn from the people in the front two rows. There are also mirrors across the front wall so you can see yourself.

The first couple weeks I went, I was surprised by my abilities. My poses were by no means perfect, but I didn’t pass out, I didn’t vomit, and I wasn’t nearly as dizzy as I thought I would be.

After my first class the fourth week, the instructor told me my practice had improved quickly and I should be, at the very least, in the middle row.

The fourth week I attended, my co-worker/friend I normally attend class with was in Haiti. Work was a little crazier with her gone but by no means out of control.

I went to class Wednesday night during the fourth week; my first time in the middle row. I was a bit uptight from a busy day at work. I was almost late to this class because of work. Money was possibly going to keep me from seeing my spouse the coming weekend. I felt more exposed in the third row. I had a lot on my mind.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I let my breathing get out of control. I focused on pushing myself and trying to be perfect instead of regulating my breathing and staying in tune with my body and my abilities in the moment.

About two thirds of the way through the class, my breathing was completely messed up, the room felt like it was getting hotter and hotter, I felt like I wanted to cry, and I was worried I would pass out. I laid down on my back in the sevas sena (probably misspelled) position.

As the instructor continued to lead class, she asked if I was okay. I shook my head, “no.” I wanted nothing  more than to get out of that hot room. I NEEDED to get out of that blazing hot room but the instructor wanted me to stay.

So I stayed. Waiting. Hoping my body would calm down. Hoping my breathing would become natural again. And it did.

Class was over, I attempted to get up and walk out of the room. I felt incredibly weak. My vision kept fading out and coming back. I drank some water. I sat down for a bit.

I talked to the instructor. She told me she could see the panic attacking happening. I didn’t even realize until she said it that a panic attack was what I had experienced.

She told me that it’s normal. That it happens to everyone. She’s even had a panic attack. She explained that stress surfaces; stress you sometimes don’t even realize you have.

She told me it was good that I stayed in the room; that I left my stress there. That staying in the room was huge.

Last week, the fifth week, I went twice. Nervously, hesitantly, I went back, feeling unsure of myself, hoping I wouldn’t have another panic attack.

I have learned that there is a balance between being content with your abilities in the moment and pushing yourself towards a goal.

I haven’t been happy with my body for awhile. Bikram Yoga is making me be content with who I am in the moment, proud of my accomplishments thus far even if I haven’t reached my original, unrealistic goals, and listen to my body.

Slowly I am becoming more flexible, more graceful, and stronger. Slowly, I am learning to see myself with all my faults and with all I have to offer as beautiful.

Slowly, I am finding balance.

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~ by anonymouscogitations on November 1, 2010.