Things Change

A LOT has been going on in my life right now. My perpetual student and I not only moved, but moved in with a couple of our friends into a spacious town home. Moving itself is stressful. Moving in with friends brings with it it’s own set of adjustments. Overall I’m happy with the move.

In addition to address and roommate changes, my grandpa’s been changing. He’s had a lot of health problems in the past couple of years, including several heart attacks and mini-strokes. A year or two ago he got a pacemaker. The most recent development? He’s been diagnosed with dementia. More than likely it’s Alzheimer’s disease but that can only be known for sure once the patient has passed away.

I have so many thoughts running in my head. First, I am so extremely grateful for the wonderful time my sister and I spent with my grandparents last summer. It was just the four of us and essectially was an adult version of what it was like when we were kids. (Until the age of ten, we lived two hours away from them. After that, we saw them once a year.) They told us all sorts of stories we had never heard before because they weren’t child appropriate. I even got some really great photographs of my grandma and me, my grandma and my sister, my grandma and sister and me, my grandpa and me, etc. When my sister and I drove away from my grandparents house that weekend, I couldn’t help but cry. I felt so blessed! I could not have imagined a better time with them and knew in my heart those few days were a gift from God. I remember saying to my sister that if that was the last time I would see either of them, I knew I would be okay. I had an odd sense of closure.

In about two weeks, I’m going to see both of them, Lord willing. This trip had long ago been planned which is good because if it hadn’t, I would be frantically trying to plan a trip right now. What I can’t help but think about though, is even if my grandpa is still alive in a couple weeks, he won’t be the same. He’s declined so much. Last summer was really my last time to “see” my Grandpa.

Second, I can’t help but think about how much this stinks. Getting older is just a part of life and yet it is so hard to watch the changes occur. I was talking on the phone to my dad the other day about his dad and when he passed away. (We’ll call him Grandpa S.) Grandpa S. never wanted to be in a nursing home and he got his wish. He lived in a house with his wife into his 90’s, ate oatmeal every day for breakfast, and took a walk every day. The last couple years of his life were rough since his sight and hearing significantly declined. He was ready to go. One day he fell and hit his head. The doctors weren’t sure if the bleeding in his brain caused him to fall or if in the fall he hit his head hard enough to cause his brain to bleed. Either way, the bleeding caused his organs to shut down and about two weeks later he passed away. My dad commented that Grandpa S. thought his life could be labeled a success if he never had to go into a nursing home and if he had “enough” money to leave his children. In his eyes, he died a success. I asked my dad, “But what about love? So many people loved him.” My dad responded with, “Well, that just has to do with what it was like when he grew up. It was important to leave an inheritance.” I then asked my dad, “What about Grandpa O.? What do you think his definition of a successful life is?” My dad paused for a moment then said, “I don’t know . . . but this isn’t it.” It really breaks my heart that this is what is happening.

I love my grandpa so much, I don’t even know how to express it. I could go on and on describing happy memory after happy memory but I won’t. Somehow those memories seem too personal and precious right now. I don’t even think I could put them into words if I wanted. The English language is far from adequate enough to express my childhood experiences. Only perhaps my sister would understand since she was there and the beauty of our relationship is I don’t have to put them into words. She knows.

Dear Lord,

I love my grandpa so much. I know you know that. In spite of his dementia, please help him to always remember how much he is loved by You, by family, and by friends.

~ by anonymouscogitations on June 21, 2009.