Helpful Conversation Hint

I happen to be married to one of the most extroverted people I know. I am extroverted as well, but not nearly as much as he is. The other day I talked to him about how it seems the older I get, the harder it is for me to talk to people I meet for the first time. I just don’t know what questions to ask and I don’t want to talk about myself the whole time. Part of the problem is I get tired of the typical conversation starters of are you a student or do you work, what do you study, where do you work, what is your baby’s name, how old is your baby, etc. Usually the conversation stays at such a shallow level.

Honestly, I feel so many times people attempted to get to know each other more out of obligation than anything else. There is a new person at work, or a new person you’re standing next to at a friend’s party who’s a friend of a friend, or someone you met at a convention related to your career who might be a helpful connection in the future. Many times I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort and work to let someone know about me and vice versa if I can sense that the other party is doing it out of obligation or doesn’t really care in the first place. (isn’t really listening, looking elsewhere instead of providing eye contact, asking you to repeat what you said because they missed it, etc.) Why should I waste my time explaining my hopes, dreams, and passions to someone who doesn’t care? Why should I waste my time getting to know someone who’s just going to keep the conversation at a shallow level so neither of us grow or benefit from the conversation? What’s the point?

And yes, there are people like my perpetual student out there who really and truly enjoy meeting people. We have all encountered them. They are the people who just happen to overhear your conversation and join in because they think they have helpful information or the people that work hard to remember your name and greet you by name the second time they see you. These overly eager people can really catch me off guard at times. At first I always find it a little creepy. As opposed to the people who don’t care at all, I wonder why these people care so much. Then I remind myself that these are the people that absolutely thrive on human interaction. I don’t completely understand it, but they usually mean no harm.

I tend to feel stuck in the middle of these two extremes. I don’t want to be creepy but I do want something more than shallow and pointless conversations. How do I go about accomplishing this?

After explaining all of this to my perpetual student, he gave me a great hint. He told me to keep asking the person questions until I see his or her eyes light up. Then I know I’ve stumbled upon a topic that is a passion of that person. You simply stick with that topic for a little while and before you know it you’re having a great conversation. I used this method the other day for the first time and it worked perfectly. I didn’t end up talking about myself the whole time and I had more than just a shallow conversation.

How about you? Did you already know to do this? Has this worked for you in the past? Do you have any other conversation tips?

~ by anonymouscogitations on May 19, 2009.