Be A Diva

I’m really excited to be writing this post. Let me explain.

Many moons ago I purchase this. I was in love with the concept. I liked the idea that I would be saving money, I would be kinder to the environment, AND it was better for my body. I almost wrote a post about it the day I bought it, I was so excited. But I decided to take a moment, catch my breath, try it out, THEN write about it.

Well, . . .  trying it out didn’t go too well. I found it to be uncomfortable and even painful at times. The directions told me it wasn’t inserted correctly if it felt like that so I kept trying but you can only try so many times before you get frustrated and give up. The following month I decided to give it another go only to have the same results. I was SO disappointed.

A month or so later my spouse, who works at a local organic and health foods store, informed me that someone told him that somewhere out on the internet people posted other ways to insert it. I was curious but the discomfort I had experienced the last two times I tried was still fresh in my mind.

And so many months went by and I continued to use traditional methods. Then something happened. (I’m about to get a bit personal so if you’d rather not know, skip to the next paragraph.) I had some bleeding after sex a few times and it scared me. The first time it happened, I figured maybe it was a little rough that time and waited a few days before having sex again. Well the bleeding after sex continued to occur periodically. I really should have gone to the gynecologist earlier than I did but I guess I was in denial. I kept trying to come up with reasonable causes that didn’t involve any sort of diseases or infections but I was running out of ideas. One day I did a little research and learned that one of the causes of bleeding after sex is cervical cancer. Once I learned that, I immediately made a doctors appointment. Best case scenario: I had a yeast infection. Worst case scenario: I had cervical cancer. And there were lots of possible causes in between. So what was it? I had a yeast infection. I told the doctor as I left, “I’ve never been so happy in my life to have a yeast infection.”

(To catch up those that skip that paragraph, the long of the short of it is I had a yeast infection.) Now as far as I know, using traditional feminine hygiene products doesn’t cause yeast infections but I can’t imagine it helps. I would consider myself someone who is at high risk of getting them since I ride my bike everywhere and am a server. It can get a bit hot and sweaty down there at times. I try to mainly use tampons since I feel like pads trap moisture down there. (Sorry about going into details again but I feel like this is pertinent.) The problem is you’re not supposed to use tampons all the time thanks to toxic shock syndrome so you can guess what would happen.

So after my doctors appointment, I decided to try to find these supposed other methods of insertion and give the Diva Cup another go. I started by going to their official website and that’s when I saw these instructions:

The ‘Push Down’ Fold:

Holding the cup between your fingers, place your index finger on the rim of the cup. Punch down one side of the rim into the base of the cup to form a triangle. The opposite, remaining side will now appear as a small tip which is easy to insert.

Those directions worked like a charm! That and I trimmed the stem a little. Especially after a little practice I couldn’t believe how much I liked it. It was more convenient, didn’t trap moisture down there, and, in my opinion, more comfortable than any other feminine hygiene product I had ever used.

As you could probably guess, I HIGHLY recommend this product. Take a few minutes to look over their website, learn more about it, and consider getting one for yourself!

Moving On

Last time I composed a post, my grandfather had just passed away. To be honest, I haven’t posted since because I wasn’t sure how to explain all the changes that have been occurring in my life mentally. It’s been hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t expect to miss someone so much that I didn’t actually see on a daily basis. I talked to him on the phone every now and then and visited once a year. Sometimes I would get magazine clips from him and sometimes he would call me. I definitely had an active relationship with him but it’s not like I have a chair in my home he used to sit in or anything. (That chair is in my grandma’s house and I still have trouble thinking about him not being in his chair without getting a little choked up.)

Before my grandpa passed away, as I got updates from my mom on his declining health, I couldn’t help but get depressed and it showed. I tried to be my normal self in public but the people in my daily life that know me best would sometimes wait until no one else was within ear shot and ask, “Are you okay? You look a little depressed.” “No, I’m not okay,” I’d respond. “My grandpa isn’t doing well.”

After the funeral week I was able to spend a few days at my sister’s during which time I attempted to transition back into normal social life. It was hard going out with her and her friends for drinks and pizza, etc. I felt such conflict inside. Outwardly I was expected to be having fun. Inwardly I was still morning. I felt so alone inside. At the same time it was comforting having my sister and spouse with me on those first few “normal” outings.  I knew they had an idea of what I was going through, especially my sister. After all, she probably felt the same way.

The following week my perpetual student and I went on a hiking trip in the middle of no-reception land with his family. That was a much needed trip. It was wonderful going on beautiful hikes and in general, “getting away from it all.”

So what exactly is my point? My point is that I had ample time to mourn. When I returned home I decided I had spent enough time being depressed. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t making myself not miss him anymore. That is impossible. I simply was going to make a conscious effort to smile and not wear my sweatpants as often.

Everyone needs a happy thought that generates an automatic smile. Everyone knows this thanks to Peter Pan, but how many of us consciously put this into practice? So, you may be wondering, what has been my smile generator this past month? Oh, lots of thought have made me smile but one in particular has been my go to, especially in the morning when I’m not quite totally awake yet. I saw a print once that said, “Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry.” You can’t tell me that thought doesn’t make you smile.

Goodbye, I Will Miss You

Very early in the morning on Tuesday I received a call from my mom: Grandpa passed away. I was in shock for but a split moment before so many thoughts started running through my head. My mom explained to me the events that had occured the last time she saw him and events earlier that day that indicated he knew he was dying. I think he was trying to hold on since he knew my sister, spouse, and I were coming to visit the weekend of the fourth but his body just wouldn’t let him. As I listened to my mother talk, I tried to push all the swirling thoughts and images aside in an attempt to hold myself together and wait until I was off the phone to let them take over and let the tears fall from my face. Only a few tears escaped.

Not a moment after I hung up my spouse said, “I know. . . I’m so sorry,” and I began to sob. I am so glad his life didn’t drag on and on, especially since he was just recently diagnosed with dementia. Even so, I am really going to miss him.

But one thought I just could not shake. It was clear that he knew he was dying, but was he ready? I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep that night if I didn’t know the answer. I also knew my mom would still be up and so I called her. I’m glad I did. Long story made really short: he was ready.

I had always thought I would be there when my grandparents died. I think that’s one of the reasons the death of my other grandpa four years ago was so hard on me. They knew he was going to die a few days before he passed. Theoretically I had time to get there but I was in the middle of a Habitat For Humanity Spring Break trip. It just didn’t work out for me to go. I had to settle for the next best thing: having my dad tell him I loved him very much. I take comfort in the thought that although he could not open his eyes or respond, a few tears rolled down his checks after my dad relayed my message. He had heard.

The reason I had always assumed I would be there was I was there when my great-grandma passed. I was a young girl, maybe about six or seven, but I distinctly remember my mom instructing both my sister and I on when we could give great-grandma a hug and kiss goodbye. I guess I just figured that was how death worked with the elderly: you get a chance to say goodbye.

The death of Grandpa S. made me realized that it didn’t always work that way. With him I had to figure out a different way to say goodbye. I played a violin solo at his funeral. It was extremely difficult but I wanted to do it so badly. I needed my closure and I got it. I received another piece of closure when my grandma gave me his last pair of cowboy boots. I really wanted something of his to keep. I didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t want to express my desire because I didn’t want to cause any family squabbles. I just waited to see what would happen. That summer when my family visited grandma, she said she had been going through stuff around the house and asked if any of us wanted his cowboy boots. I looked at my dad, waiting to see what he would say. He didn’t want them. I waited a couple seconds and then I spoke up, “I’d like to have them.” And so I had the last piece of closure I desired.

With Grandpa O. it was different. I had already learned that getting to say goodbye was a blessing and not the rule. Since I had no idea the last time I saw Grandpa S. it was the last time I would see him, I decided that any time I saw any remaining grandparent I would say goodbye as though it was the last time I would see them. I knew they already knew I loved them, but just in case I made SURE they knew.

And so this time I had closure before I even packed for the funeral. Will I miss him? Dear God, yes I will. Will I morn both inwardly and outwardly? Yes. But I don’t have any regrets or major I wishes. For that I am greatful.

Things Change

A LOT has been going on in my life right now. My perpetual student and I not only moved, but moved in with a couple of our friends into a spacious town home. Moving itself is stressful. Moving in with friends brings with it it’s own set of adjustments. Overall I’m happy with the move.

In addition to address and roommate changes, my grandpa’s been changing. He’s had a lot of health problems in the past couple of years, including several heart attacks and mini-strokes. A year or two ago he got a pacemaker. The most recent development? He’s been diagnosed with dementia. More than likely it’s Alzheimer’s disease but that can only be known for sure once the patient has passed away.

I have so many thoughts running in my head. First, I am so extremely grateful for the wonderful time my sister and I spent with my grandparents last summer. It was just the four of us and essectially was an adult version of what it was like when we were kids. (Until the age of ten, we lived two hours away from them. After that, we saw them once a year.) They told us all sorts of stories we had never heard before because they weren’t child appropriate. I even got some really great photographs of my grandma and me, my grandma and my sister, my grandma and sister and me, my grandpa and me, etc. When my sister and I drove away from my grandparents house that weekend, I couldn’t help but cry. I felt so blessed! I could not have imagined a better time with them and knew in my heart those few days were a gift from God. I remember saying to my sister that if that was the last time I would see either of them, I knew I would be okay. I had an odd sense of closure.

In about two weeks, I’m going to see both of them, Lord willing. This trip had long ago been planned which is good because if it hadn’t, I would be frantically trying to plan a trip right now. What I can’t help but think about though, is even if my grandpa is still alive in a couple weeks, he won’t be the same. He’s declined so much. Last summer was really my last time to “see” my Grandpa.

Second, I can’t help but think about how much this stinks. Getting older is just a part of life and yet it is so hard to watch the changes occur. I was talking on the phone to my dad the other day about his dad and when he passed away. (We’ll call him Grandpa S.) Grandpa S. never wanted to be in a nursing home and he got his wish. He lived in a house with his wife into his 90’s, ate oatmeal every day for breakfast, and took a walk every day. The last couple years of his life were rough since his sight and hearing significantly declined. He was ready to go. One day he fell and hit his head. The doctors weren’t sure if the bleeding in his brain caused him to fall or if in the fall he hit his head hard enough to cause his brain to bleed. Either way, the bleeding caused his organs to shut down and about two weeks later he passed away. My dad commented that Grandpa S. thought his life could be labeled a success if he never had to go into a nursing home and if he had “enough” money to leave his children. In his eyes, he died a success. I asked my dad, “But what about love? So many people loved him.” My dad responded with, “Well, that just has to do with what it was like when he grew up. It was important to leave an inheritance.” I then asked my dad, “What about Grandpa O.? What do you think his definition of a successful life is?” My dad paused for a moment then said, “I don’t know . . . but this isn’t it.” It really breaks my heart that this is what is happening.

I love my grandpa so much, I don’t even know how to express it. I could go on and on describing happy memory after happy memory but I won’t. Somehow those memories seem too personal and precious right now. I don’t even think I could put them into words if I wanted. The English language is far from adequate enough to express my childhood experiences. Only perhaps my sister would understand since she was there and the beauty of our relationship is I don’t have to put them into words. She knows.

Dear Lord,

I love my grandpa so much. I know you know that. In spite of his dementia, please help him to always remember how much he is loved by You, by family, and by friends.

Helpful Conversation Hint

I happen to be married to one of the most extroverted people I know. I am extroverted as well, but not nearly as much as he is. The other day I talked to him about how it seems the older I get, the harder it is for me to talk to people I meet for the first time. I just don’t know what questions to ask and I don’t want to talk about myself the whole time. Part of the problem is I get tired of the typical conversation starters of are you a student or do you work, what do you study, where do you work, what is your baby’s name, how old is your baby, etc. Usually the conversation stays at such a shallow level.

Honestly, I feel so many times people attempted to get to know each other more out of obligation than anything else. There is a new person at work, or a new person you’re standing next to at a friend’s party who’s a friend of a friend, or someone you met at a convention related to your career who might be a helpful connection in the future. Many times I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort and work to let someone know about me and vice versa if I can sense that the other party is doing it out of obligation or doesn’t really care in the first place. (isn’t really listening, looking elsewhere instead of providing eye contact, asking you to repeat what you said because they missed it, etc.) Why should I waste my time explaining my hopes, dreams, and passions to someone who doesn’t care? Why should I waste my time getting to know someone who’s just going to keep the conversation at a shallow level so neither of us grow or benefit from the conversation? What’s the point?

And yes, there are people like my perpetual student out there who really and truly enjoy meeting people. We have all encountered them. They are the people who just happen to overhear your conversation and join in because they think they have helpful information or the people that work hard to remember your name and greet you by name the second time they see you. These overly eager people can really catch me off guard at times. At first I always find it a little creepy. As opposed to the people who don’t care at all, I wonder why these people care so much. Then I remind myself that these are the people that absolutely thrive on human interaction. I don’t completely understand it, but they usually mean no harm.

I tend to feel stuck in the middle of these two extremes. I don’t want to be creepy but I do want something more than shallow and pointless conversations. How do I go about accomplishing this?

After explaining all of this to my perpetual student, he gave me a great hint. He told me to keep asking the person questions until I see his or her eyes light up. Then I know I’ve stumbled upon a topic that is a passion of that person. You simply stick with that topic for a little while and before you know it you’re having a great conversation. I used this method the other day for the first time and it worked perfectly. I didn’t end up talking about myself the whole time and I had more than just a shallow conversation.

How about you? Did you already know to do this? Has this worked for you in the past? Do you have any other conversation tips?

Prime of Life

These past couple of months I have celebrated many birthdays of friends and family members. As I watch people from different age groups react to the “sudden” increase in age, I contemplated the fact that I am in what is considered the prime of my life. I then proceeded to ask myself the age old question, “Am I making the most of my life?”

I thought through every life changing decision I’ve made, every transition I’ve gone through, every place I have traveled to, every place I have lived, and every person I’ve known. As far as I can tell, I am making the most of my life. Perhaps wisdom that only comes with age will tell me otherwise down the road but right now, here in this moment, I truly believe I am doing my best.

All of this introspection reminds me of everything I still desire to accomplish. The problem is I have youth and time on my side but lack money. And so I prioritize, save money, achieve the next goal on the list, and check it off. But I can’t help but wonder, what if I can’t save money fast enough before I run out of youth or time? Such would be life. Darn you, money!

Money or lack thereof sure does cause a lot of problems, doesn’t it? How many of us have watched our grandparents diligently save money so when they retire they can finally travel to all those places they’ve dreamed about visiting, just to find out their bodies aren’t up to the challenge? I don’t want that to happen to me.

The way I see it there are two steps I can take now to prevent this from happening to me:

1. Continue prioritizing, saving, and achieving goals to the best of my ability.

2. Take care of my body. I need to eat healthy foods and exercise regularly so I can still be checking goals off my list for years to come.

I’ve been watching my grandparents as they age. It’s hard to watch it happen but I’ve made an important observation. There is a HUGE difference in the quality of life between my grandparents that took care of their bodies and my grandparents that didn’t. Some of my grandparents ate healthier foods, smaller portions, and went for daily walks. Some of my grandparents didn’t.

So if I have any regrets later in life, it will probably be that I didn’t exercise regularly. (I’ve already made huge improvements in my diet over the last five years.) Fortunately, it’s not too late. I’m still in my prime and don’t have to wait until New Years to make another resolution.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I promise, I did not fall off the face of the earth. Rather, I’ve been pretty self-absorbed. I don’t know about you, but during the winter I dream, scheme, and plan. I make lists of what I want to accomplish during the spring and summer. Much of the list is devoted to visiting family and friends. Usually only the most important items (spending time with family and friends, of course) get accomplished. I don’t know why I bother witting the little stuff down since I know it won’t get done. And yes, I add to the list as the summer goes on. I have a trick: I add items to the list after I’ve already done them just so I can check it off.  I KNOW I’m not the only person who does this.

While I continue with all of this dreaming, scheming, and planning, I’ve also been studying, working, and waiting. There are only two weeks left to my class counting finals week. I also just recently enrolled in an online course to boost one of my grad school applications. Work has also been keeping me busy. If you remember correctly, I mentioned in a previous post that my spouse and I have been keeping our money separate so I can better keep tabs on spending and saving. This new system has actually been working really well for us and has helped motivate me to keep my shifts/pick up shifts since I know exactly how much money I need to make each week. If you have any questions about how exactly I implemented this new plan, details about how it’s going, etc., just leave a comment with your question(s) and I’ll send you an email.

So I’ve explained the studying and working, but what about the waiting? I’ve put in applications to orthotic and prosthetic programs and have been waiting to see how all of this will unfold. All of the variations of outcomes have been circling through my head. There are just so many unknown factors involved with both my and my spouse’s educational goals! Waiting is always the hardest part.

So there you have it. That is why I have no profound thoughts, ethical dilemmas, or experimental recipes to share.  If you were hoping to find that in this post, check out this insightful post made by a friend that discusses the concept of transitions. I do, however, have some fun links:

Kings Firecrackers (I recommend the video listed on the right as US Naval Academy Performance.)

Chick Flick Cliches

Honest R & B Song (NOT child appropriate so wait until they are sleeping to watch it.)

Making Friends

In the past couple of weeks I’ve had a couple of incidences that made me stop and think. The first happened when we were out with friends from my spouse’s grad school department. It was a Friday night and we were all hanging out downtown. In group settings I prefer to have meaningful conversations with the person sitting next to me rather than trying to listen to someone at the other end of the table tell a story. With that said, I also try to sit next to different people each time so I am getting to know everyone. This particular night I was sitting next to our good friend that I will call “James.” We’ve known James since we first moved here and have seen him go through some rough times when it comes to the dating department. When I say rough, I mean unnecessarily stabbed in the heart in just about the worst way possible by the girl he had been dating for years and planned to marry. To get through said rough times, my perpetual student, James, and another good guy friend had man dates and took road trips. Even though I wasn’t there, I have gotten to know James in my own way as I listened to him process everything he had gone through. Basically, my spouse and I both know him pretty well.

On this particular Friday night we got into a great discussion. James made a statement about himself and right as he was about to provide an example, he stopped himself, smiled, and said, “I just about told you something I only tell girls that I date.” I could tell that he didn’t want to tell me so I didn’t push it and made a more general statement about the topic we were discussing.

Several months ago I was hanging out with co-workers after work and started a “getting to know you” conversation with someone I will call, “Brent.” It started innocently enough, as I asked him about his major, his goals, etc. He explained the answers to these questions and how joining the marines affected what he did and when he did it. Not long into the discussion, he stopped himself, smiled, and said, “I can’t believe what I was about to tell you. I usually only tell girls that stuff if I decide I want to date them.” Only recently (a couple nights ago) has he finished that story and I could tell he struggled to explain it without using certain  phrases to try to charm the listener.

I appreciate my guy friends being cautious and not getting attached to me in a romantic way but at the same time I find it odd. Both of the topics we discussed seemed innocent enough. I’m not trying to get my guy friends to tell me their deepest darkest secrets. I just want to get to know them as friends. And that’s what I don’t understand; why does it seem guys have trouble viewing me as a friend as opposed to a female?

In the grand sceme of things, I know these incidences aren’t that big of a deal but at the same time I can’t help but think about them. I feel like I’m loosing a friend when such an incident occurs. I will have been married four years this summer and I don’t know if I will ever get used to how people treat me differently because I am married. It makes me wonder if before I was married guys only became my friend because they were considering dating me. How shallow. It also bothers me that people assume I only hang out with my spouse and won’t want to [insert spontaneous activity].  I might be female and I might be married, but that doesn’t make me less of a human being. Everyone needs friends and it’s perfectly natural to be friends with someone other than my spouse and to do activities without him.

Free Time

Last week was Spring Break for us. Not only was school not in session, but the restaurant I work for was closed during the week for remodeling and cleaning. What did I do with my free time? I slept in, made headway on craft projects, hung out with my lovely husband, and in general took it easy. I also began research for an upcoming event. My brother-in-law is getting married in the end of May and I’m the photographer! For financial reasons, they weren’t going to have one so I offered. The way I see it, that means there isn’t a lot of pressure on me. Anything I do is better than nothing.

I’ve had a Nikon D-70 for almost four years now and love it. I’ve not only been able to take some great artsy-fartsy shots, but also have been able to document family vacations and other memorable events. Not long into my marriage, my mother-in-law told me that she quit taking pictures if I was present because my pictures always turn out so much better. I told her she should keep taking pictures just in case she catches something I missed or something weird happens and I loose my pictures. Since that conversation, she started taking photos again and we share our albums via the Kodak website.

So now I am about to document one of the most memorable and cherished experiences in my brother-in-law’s life. I’m so excited! I’ve checked out books from both the university and public libraries on digital wedding photography and the more I read, the more excited I get. I really feel I have an advantage another photographer wouldn’t have since I actually know them. For example, the other day my mother-in-law told me about their hunt for the perfect tie for the groom and best man (my husband). It’s quite the story. Now that I know this story, I plan to take a picture of these infamous ties.

As I read through the books I’ve checked out, I have been taking notes of what I want to remember. Once my list is compiled, I’ll share it with you. How about you? Do you have any tips or ideas?

This, That, and Crafts

Man, am I pooped out! For about a month I had been fighting some sort of cold and/or bronchitis or something of the sort. I don’t know what it was but eventually my body won. At least I think it won. I feel a hint of something lingering but it may be allergy related. I’m just trying to take good care of myself so I don’t get sick again. We had a week of beautiful weather, then it got cold again, and theoretically it’s supposed to be nice again next week. I just want the warm weather to come and stay for good. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’m just nervous the on again, off again weather won’t help my body recover fully and I’ll end up sick again.

This low energy state has made it so I have very little patience. I’m tired of cranky, cheap customers. There are just some people that it doesn’t matter what you do, they will never be happy.

I’m tired of drama. There is a huge political mess amongst the students in my perpetual student’s department, many of whom are my friends. I’m tired of certain people riling people up about issues that weren’t bothering them in the first place, being rude to people when they don’t meet up to their ridiculous and ridged expectations, and forcing first year grad students to pick sides on social squabbles that occurred before they even went to school here. Seriously, grow up.

So what do I do when I get frustrated and need to get away from people? Sometimes I go to a local coffee shop and drink tea while journaling. Most of the time, however, I work on craft projects. There are three main types of projects I am working on right now:

1. Sewing: a long time ago I bought some of the cheap scrap fabric at the store so I could sew my perpetual student and I quilted Christmas stockings. I worked on them for a few days when I first bought the material then the project was shoved to the back of my closet. This last week I dug them back out again and am determined to finish them by mid-May. I know that it shouldn’t take me that long to make them, but I am doing most of the work by hand and I’m not that fast at it. Why did I start this project? The stocking I have is the one I had as a child. The stocking Daniel has is the free one that came with our tree skirt. (His childhood stocking is at his parent’s house.) I thought it would be nice to have “matching” stocking. I wanted to make them to kind of symbolize our “new” (we’ve been married 3.5 years) life together as a couple as opposed to being children of our parents.

2. Scrap booking: Slowly but surely I’ve been working on a scrapbook documenting from the day I met my husband to the end of our first year of marriage. I just recently ran out of the special tape and will buy some more this weekend. This project is about to pick up pace. I just finished the pages explaining how we met and when, how, and why, we became a couple. Now I am ready to start the pages of movie tickets, concert programs, and pictures of all the dates we went on while dating. I really enjoy working on this project because it reminds me of all the fun times we’ve had together.

3. Knitting: I always seem to have more than one knitting project going on at a time. One of my friends owns this book. In it the author does a good job of explaining knitting techniques and includes several really cute patterns. One of the easier patterns is a scarf you knit with two circular needs at the same time. My friend and I decided to make a practice scarf together. I’m almost done with my half. Then we are going to knit our significant others scarves in the colors of their university that they can wear when they go to football games in the fall.

I used this technique of using two circular needs at the same time to make up my own pattern for fingerless gloves. For Christmas my perpetual student and I received some water-proof, wind-proof gloves that we discovered aren’t very warm. I got the idea to knit some fingerless gloves to wear over the top of them. I knit one glove and now my perpetual student is testing it out to make sure it is warm enough before I knit it’s match.

Pretty soon I am probably going to start knitting a shawl for me to wear at my brother-in-law’s wedding. It’s in the end of May so it might be a cooler spring day and I’ll want a little something extra.

What craft projects are you working on?